Fix the inside first, the outside will come

In yoga practice, so much of what we’re doing is about stripping away. It’s very possible, and quite common, to reach adulthood and have no clue who we are or what we need to be at peace. Culturally we’re taught to look outward for happiness. If we just meet certain markers, if we can look right and have the right job and the right partner and the right house and car, then we’ll be good to go. And a lot of people are so focused on attaining these outer signs of happiness, they pass right by the signs that would actually lead them there.

Also, there’s the way you grew up. Maybe you were taught, in word or through actions, that your worth as a human being was based on your performance. If you did well in school, if you were a good boy or girl, then all would be well. But if you screwed up or failed to reach the bar, love was withdrawn and the disapproval was palpable. Maybe punishment was swift and intense. Maybe you grew up in a house where you felt unsafe, and you learned to be indispensable or invisible depending on the moment. Maybe you were spoiled rotten and taught that you were the center of everything, and that other people existed in order to orbit around your needs and wants. And perhaps you were taught that your needs and wants were something you were supposed to swallow, and that your fears and dreams had very little impact on the world around you. Maybe you got a huge lesson in care-taking and people-pleasing. It’s a huge spectrum, but the chances for knowing yourself are slim in any of these scenarios.

This is why we have so many people who reach adulthood and have no idea which way to turn. The house doesn’t do it, the diet doesn’t do it, the right partner doesn’t do it. What’s the point? Where have they gone wrong, why isn’t the formula working? The formula doesn’t work because it’s based on the stuff around us, not the stuff within us. I know someone who’s been searching for the perfect house for years. Money isn’t an issue. The location could be anywhere. But no matter where he goes or what kind of house he buys, it’s never the right one. It never does the trick. If you want to be at peace, you have to get your true house in order. Your body is your home. If things are not well within you, they won’t be well around you, even if you buy a mansion in Bali and have people on hand to feed you fresh mango at your every whim. There’s no escaping yourself.

So in yoga, we’re looking for vidya or clear-seeing. Being able to identify what is real from what is unreal, what is permanent from what is impermanent. And you have to question everything you think you know, because you may have accepted things along the way, decades ago, that turn out not to be true for you. And you may have adopted ways of being that don’t serve you, that disempower you, or block you from receiving love and joy. You may have a lot of unlearning to do. Maybe you’ve come to believe you aren’t lovable, or that you’re broken in some unfixable way. Maybe you think you can’t trust anyone, or everyone lies and cheats. There are all kinds of ideas you might have developed that just aren’t true. And so you have to dig. You have to unearth. You have to do the work to heal your deepest wounds so they don’t direct your entire life. The way to peace is inside, not outside. And the sooner you start, the faster you get to a place where life feels good. Avoiding this work is the surest way to suffer. And you aren’t here to suffer, although it’s part of life sometimes. You’re here to shine. I wouldn’t wait. Sending you love.

Danielle Spillman is a certified yoga teacher, health enthusiast, and writer. You can find more of her musings at www.findyourlightyoga.com.