Grooming behaviors: recognizing the signs of abuse

This is the fourth piece in an ongoing series about child sexual abuse in Lincoln County.

The presence of convicted sex offenders in a community is revealed by background checks and the online sex offender registry, but the legal system has a loophole: a predator must be convicted in order for those tools to work, and a conviction can only occur after a child has already been victimized by a predator.

The Darkness to Light Foundation, among other groups operating both locally and nationally, focuses on education as a means to prevent child sex abuse before it can leave its indelible mark upon the lives of children. National Prevention Programs Manager Elizabeth Warren said awareness is the key to preventing child sex abuse. That awareness, she said, doesn’t just apply to children but also to the adults in their protective circles.

“Empowering kids to speak up when they’re uncomfortable is crucial,” she said. “Often times we teach our kids the adult is always right, but sometimes the adult does want to harm the child, and we need to teach our kids it’s OK to talk about adults and situations that make them uncomfortable. As adults, we need to recognize problematic behaviors and be prepared to intervene before abuse takes place.”

Warren said the overwhelming majority of child sex abuse, estimated at 90 percent, is committed by someone close to the victim. Those abusers can include family members, close friends, teachers, coaches, youth service organization workers, neighbors – nearly anyone inside the child’s protective circle. Abusers, she said, rarely act quickly or impulsively. They engage in a pattern of behavior to prepare both the child and the environment for abuse, behaviors referred to as grooming behaviors. Being aware of those behaviors and interceding when they are witnessed is crucial to preventing a predator from harming children.

Warren said predators begin by establishing themselves within the child’s circle. 

“They usually start by buidling relationships with the child and the adults in the child’s protective circle,” she said.

Once inside, the more insidious behaviors begin. 

While no two offenders operate exactly the same, there are commonalities in the behaviors that can be noticed by aware adults. First, the offender will seek to create a culture of secrecy. That culture is reinforced by minor rule-breaking, perhaps the giving of gifts or staying up late in the case of a care provider. It could involve the giving of alcohol or drugs, or the child being allowed to watch an R-rated movie or play a video game the parents have restricted. These “little secrets” create a bond between the abuser and the victim, making it more difficult for the child to report abuse.

“The culture of secrecy they create makes it very difficult for children to come forward,” Warren said.

The difficulty in spotting grooming behaviors, Warren said, is that the behaviors are generally traits society values in the adults around children: attentiveness, caring, concern. The key, she said, is understanding when those caring traits cross the line into grooming behaviors.

Drs. Jim Tanner and Stephen Brake studied predator grooming behavior and released the results of their study in 2013. According to their research, the way to distinguish the positive traits from grooming behavior is to watch for boundary violations.

“The primary indicator that seemingly pro-social behavior is actually environmental grooming is the existence of boundary violations,” they wrote. “Simply put, people who genuinely care about children do not violate children’s boundaries.”

Those boundary violations include gestures like inappropriate “accidental” touching, hugs that last just a second or two too long, continuous lap-sitting and other seemingly innocuous behaviors. Other examples of grooming behavior, Warren said, include speaking to the child in an age-inappropriate manner or showing age-inappropriate behavior. All children, she said, want to be older, and predators make them feel older and special, opening them to abuse. Other warning signs include someone who is a bit too anxious to be involved with the child or who wants to be alone with the child and creates private situations or who perhaps singles the child out for special attention or privileges.

Warren said once these violations are noticed, it is the responsibility of an aware and caring adult to intercede on behalf of the child. The goal, she said, isn’t to accuse or indict the individual, but to convey the necessity of maintaining those boundaries and protecting the child.

“We certainly don’t want to create a society of fear,” she said. “That’s not healthy for children, but we need to be ready to have the conversation about adult and child interaction with the people in our children’s lives. You don’t need to confront problematic behavior as if it is child sex abuse, just as problematic behavior. There’s nothing easy about this. Addressing problematic behavior is never an easy situation, but you just might be saving that child from sexual abuse.”