Explaining singleness on Valentine's Day
The second-most popular holiday for greeting cards is upon us. Today is Valentine’s Day or Singles Awareness Day, whichever you prefer.
I’ve been well aware that this depressing and commercialized “holiday” was rapidly approaching and have taken a little time to reflect on how a handsome, charismatic, educated gentleman could possibly be still ready to mingle.
So, in my copious spare time, I compiled a vivacious list of 75 reasons why I’m still single at 26. Trust me, I understand nobody has time to read 75 reasons, especially on a holiday. So, I’ll just share the top 20 reasons why I am still doing my thing...alone:
1. I live at home with my middle-aged mother. What else is a single guy supposed to do in a recessed economy on a fixed income?
2. My entire life fits in the back of a Ford Escape. I’m still debating if this is pathetic or just really efficient. I could have just left this at “I drive a Ford Escape, a vehicle designed to be a grocery go-getter for middle-aged mothers.”
3. My closest friend happens to be 74 years old. Of course I get a lot of great life advice, but it certainly puts a damper on double-dating possibilities
4. Since I never had siblings, I refer to my cat as “my sister.”
5. Last Sunday, I woke up with a half-eaten McChicken in my bed. I’m not sure if this was a convenient breakfast or the leftovers of bad decisions from the night before.
6. Occasionally, when I’m at the grocery store, I buy a bag of croutons, knowing full well that I don’t have any salad at home.
7. I can’t be tied down on President’s Day, and that holiday is rapidly approaching.
8. My after-work schedule doesn’t allow for a relationship. You know: dinner, bath, sleep, repeat.
9. I can barely commit to picking a restaurant, let alone commit to a relationship.
10. My one and only Valentine’s Day card came from my mom because she just assumes I’m not going to have a date. Thanks, Mom!
11. I don’t want to meet your family, and I certainly don’t want you to meet mine.
12. I play bingo a lot, and let me just say there are not many prospective dates.
13. My phobia of food-borne illnesses makes me reluctant to date people who may not check expiration dates on all their food. Trust me, nobody has time for food poisoning.
14. All of my birthday parties last year were either hosted or frequented by people over the age of 50.
15. I’ve been known to buy an entire sheet cake, clearly meant to be enjoyed by five or six but instead enjoyed by me and me alone. After being asked by the checker what the cake is for, I make up either a birthday or retirement. Who needs a relationship when you can have your cake and eat it, too?
16. Valentine’s Day isn’t really my thing anyway. Romantic notions tend to annoy me.
17. I’ve abstained from eating pork since I read Charlotte’s Web in the third grade. Hey, E.B. White did a successful job describing Wilbur. I’d be guilt-ridden snacking on him or his relatives.
18. Retirement account? Since I can’t sever ties with Social Security, I guess I’ll just keep paying into that dysfunctional relationship, and hope its alive and well when I’m 66 or whatever the age will be when I retire.
19. Flirting? I just usually start awkward small talk and hope for the best.
20. One of my favorite summertime activities is attending garage sales. Garage sales are similar to relationships. They look great from a distance, but once you get up close it is usually a bunch of junk.
This Valentine’s Day, I’ll be enjoying the company of friends after work. I know this will be cheaper, easier and less awkward than a first date. No matter how you are deciding to spend your Valentine’s Day this year, make it great. After all, it is a holiday.
(Luke Marchant is advertising manager of The Western News.)